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Good clean humor for ANY season, even Christmas #fb

December 23, 2010

Those fabulous Jewish Comedians ……

You may remember the old Jewish Catskill comics of Vaudeville days

Shecky Greene,

Red Buttons,

Totie Fields,

Joey Bishop,

Milton Berle,

Jan Murray,

Danny Kaye,

Henny Youngman,

Buddy Hackett,

Sid Caesar,

Groucho Marx,

Jackie Mason,

Victor Borge,

Woody Allen,

Joan Rivers,

Lenny Bruce,

George Burns,

Allan Sherman,

Jerry Lewis,

Peter Sellers,

Carl Reiner,

Shelley Berman,

Gene Wilder,

George Jessel,
Alan King,

Mel Brooks,

Phil Silvers,

Jack Carter,

Rodney Dangerfield,

Don Rickles,

Jack Benny
and so many others.

And there was not one single swear word in their comedy. Here are a few examples:

* I just got back from a pleasure trip.

I took my mother-in-law to the airport.

* I’ve been in love with the same woman
for 49 years! If my wife ever finds out,

she’ll kill me!

* What are three words a woman never wants to hear when she’s making love?

"Honey, I’m home!"

* Someone stole all my credit cards but I won’t be reporting it. The thief spends less than

my wife did.

* We always hold hands.

If I let go, she shops.

* My wife and I went back to the hotel where
we spent our wedding night; only this time

I stayed in the bathroom and cried.

* My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife called it the Dead Sea.

* She was at the beauty shop for two hours.
That was only for the estimate. She got a mudpack and looked great for two days.

Then the mud fell off.

* The Doctor gave a man six months to live.
The man couldn’t pay his bill so the doctor

gave him another six months.

* The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying,
"Mrs. Cohen, your check came back."

Mrs. Cohen answered, "So did my arthritis!"

* Doctor: "You’ll live to be 60!"

Patient: "I am 60!"

Doctor: "See! What did I tell you?"

* Patient: "I have a ringing in my ears."

Doctor: "Don’t answer!"

* A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge
says, "You’ve been brought here for
drinking." The drunk says,

"Okay, let’s get started."

* Why do Jewish divorces cost so much?
They’re worth it.

The Harvard School of Medicine did a study of why Jewish women like Chinese food so much.
The study revealed that this is due to the fact that Won Ton spelled backward is Not Now.

There is a big controversy on the
Jewish view of when life begins. In Jewish tradition, the fetus is not considered viable

until it graduates from medical school.

Q: Why don’t Jewish mothers drink?
A: Alcohol interferes with their suffering.

Q: Why do Jewish mothers make great

parole officers?
A: They never let anyone finish a sentence!

A man called his mother in Florida,
"Mom, how are you?"
"Not too good," said the mother.

"I’ve been very weak."
The son said, "Why are you so weak?"

She said, "Because I haven’t eaten in 38 days."
The son said, "That’s terrible. Why haven’t you eaten in 38 days?"
The mother answered, "Because I didn’t want my mouth to be filled with food if you should call."

A Jewish boy comes home from school and
tells his mother he has a part in the play.

She asks, "What part is it?"

The boy says, "I play the part of
the Jewish husband."
"The mother scowls and says, "Go back and tell the teacher you want a speaking part."

Q: How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a light bulb?

A: (Sigh) "Don’t bother. I’ll sit in the dark.

I don’t want to be a nuisance to anybody."

Short summary of every Jewish holiday:
They tried to kill us. We won. Let’s eat.

Did you hear about the bum who walked
up to a Jewish mother on the street and said,
"Lady, I haven’t eaten in three days."
"Force yourself," she replied.

Q: What’s the difference between a

Rottweiler and a Jewish mother?
A: Eventually, the Rottweiler lets go.

Q: Why are Jewish men circumcised?
A: Because Jewish women don’t like anything that Isn’t 20% off.

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